How to Overcome Your Inner Critic: Stop Fighting It and Start Listening

Your inner critic is the unheard voice of loving concern.

Your inner critic is actually one of your best friends, so give that mutha-fu2k3r some love!

Let me explain...

The monkey on your shoulder

What if the monkey on your shoulder that jumps at the chance to criticise and judge you was actually part of a red flag warning system tuned in to your central nervous system?

I’m not talking about the echoing, aggressive or vindictive voice of a family member, teacher or childhood bully, all of which deserve time and space to be unpacked and processed. No, I’m talking about the voice that calls out actions, patterns of behaviour, communication (or lack of), and ways of ‘being’ on behalf of the frustrated, confused, internal landscape that knows better but does ‘it’ anyway.

What’s your ‘it’?

Perhaps your ‘it’ is an ongoing repetition of a subtle use of language with a partner that intuitively doesn’t feel authentic or mature, but is instead a way to avoid a deep conversation about a tender or vulnerable topic. Perhaps your ‘it’ is a pattern of unhealthy self soothing that you watch play out, knowing full well there is a recent incident that has brought up grief, fear or pain that ultimately needs to be addressed, but you have never had a safe space or the emotional tools to face it head on.

The voice of your central nervous system

The intuitive awareness of what would be done or said in a relationship or situation of complete safety is the ‘voice’ of your central nervous system. The habitual behaviours of avoidance and self soothing are also linked in with the central nervous system and are often what could be described as a ‘short term solution / coping mechanism’ (self soothing / avoidance / acting out) that has become ingrained due to an ongoing absence of safety, which takes the individual into a state of fight or flight, and often leads to being in a state of freeze.

When the voice gets louder

Back to the monkey, aka inner critic. In the early stages, the judgements and criticism are gentle observations of how an action doesn’t feel right. The voice of the central nervous system makes requests for changes, and raises awareness that there is, e.g., a conversation about that tender subject that needs to happen, or that help and support to address that grief would be a good thing. When these requests aren’t met, a state of increased fear and a lack of safety develop, the voice gets more urgent and, when all else fails, this loving, protective part becomes aggressive as it seeks to get your attention.

The unheard voice of loving concern

So ultimately your inner critic is the unheard voice of loving concern. Read that again. Your inner critic is a scorned devotee of your wellbeing that refuses to abandon you, and has tried everything it can to guide you to a place of self awareness, self advocacy, aligned living and, ultimately, embodying your truth and taking up your space in ways that reflect your full expression of self and your full potential. Ignore it and dismiss it at your own peril.

Delicate work

Truth bomb alert: reading (and writing) about this, and developing a cognitive awareness, is relatively easy. Creating the environment to explore these threads of self awareness and to give the inner critic the compassion, curiosity, acceptance and validation it needs to move from a place of contraction and fear, back to a place of softness and love, is delicate work that deserves to be approached with respect, patience and consideration.

These parts return when they sense the home is safe, and that home is your heart and soul.

I feel blessed to have been guided through my own version of this work over the years, and continue to notice the inner critic, only now it feels like I catch it earlier and there is less charge in the words we exchange. Repair is far quicker and there is a baseline of mutual appreciation.

How we might work together

If you’ve read this far, there is a good chance the monkey on your shoulder has been active recently, so if that’s the case, I’d suggest we have a chat to talk about ways we might work together.

I help people who are feeling stuck emotionally and energetically, and who are struggling to move forward in work or relationship. Sometimes unregulated emotions flare up, sometimes people withdraw and become distant and isolated.

Using a combination of somatic processing, guided meditation, parts work, breath work and body mapping, clients learn to understand, listen to and actively engage with their central nervous system. Old programs and inherited mindsets can be reviewed, alchemised and often let go of, making way for a return to flow and embodied purpose, acceptance and self compassion.

This courageous work leads to learning, healing and a deeper connection with self.

From critic to critique

Don’t get me wrong: the monkey will always be on the shoulder, but once the heavy lifting has been done the voice is one of critique rather than critic. There is more compassion in the relationship with self, and when there are harsh words it’s more like a flash point in a healthy partnership rather than a foghorn from a cargo ship of unheard needs and requests.

And the journey continues...

Get in touch to arrange a discovery call. The adventure starts today!

Big love

Vaughan